Thoughts Every Brand-New, Slightly Crazy, Sleep-Deprived Parent Has


You’re covered in stains of an indeterminate origin. You’re living on pizza and trail mix. Your shower is a distant memory. You’ve started referring to the grease in your hair as “nature’s gel.”

Sound familiar? Then you must be a new parent! The love is overwhelming — and so is the exhaustion-induced delirium. But hey, at least you’re not alone in your insanity. There’s nothing quite like those early days with a newborn; parents everywhere know exactly what you’re going through. And it goes a little something like this, illustrated here with gifs of kittens because, hey, you’re tired and you could use a smile:

1. I love my newborn baby. I never knew I could love anything this much.


2. My baby is adorable and perfect.

3. My baby is adorable and perfect and … wide awake.


4. Car rides help my baby fall asleep. I’ve been driving for the past hour, but now I can’t see my adorable, perfect baby. I need a mirror.

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5. I can now see my baby. My adorable, perfect baby is asleep! I’ll just drive home and carefully bring my sleeping baby inside and—

6. —oh, scratch that. My baby is awake. Again.


7. I need coffee. Why did I register for bibs? Bibs won’t keep me awake.

8. My baby just spit up all over me. I’ll keep the bibs.

9. I should have registered for coffee. Every new parent needs coffee. Coffee is the greatest thing ever. The caffeine has finally kicked in.


10. Coffee and the white-noise machine I just bought are the greatest things ever! My baby is asleep, which means I get to sleep for a whole half hour (and get Cash Back at Ebates too)!

11. I have so much energy from that half-hour nap. I’m going to make a casserole and freeze it.

12. Zzzzzzzzz.

13. What’s that smell?

14. Nothing I read on newborn baby care told me to register for fire extinguishers.

15. Oh, well. It’s not as if I’m sitting down eating meals anymore.


16. I’ll just drink coffee and stare at my sleeping baby on the baby monitor. Newborn baby sleep is the most peaceful, precious thing ever, and I—

17. —oh, scratch that. My baby is awake.

18. Awww, I love my baby. I never knew I could love anything this much.

 

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Cara Lynn Shultz is a freelance writer/editor and the author of Spellbound, Spellcaster and The Dark World. She’s a proud graduate of Fordham University and has written for Billboard, Alternative Press, Bustle, Mode, Teen People, People, The Guardian, Us Weekly, Logo TV, Best of NJ and The Dodo as well as countless posts on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram (@caralynnshultz). Cara lives near her native New York City with her husband, son, and eight million other people, where she writes words. Sometimes sense make they.

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